Agony of Waiting

“A lump has shown up in your mammogram and the ultrasound confirmed it.” I doubt anyone ever expects these words to be said to them, yet they were said to me here. 

The doctor proposed a keyhole procedure to remove the lump to get a more accurate biopsy and avoid future complications. As it was already late in the afternoon, the surgery was scheduled for 9 am the next morning, two days before the Lunar New Year. 

The urgency of the unexpected procedure sent shivers down my spine. I made arrangements for a faith formation session that very evening to pray in the adoration room. Although I was not fearful of meeting my maker, I still had an unsettling feeling that I could not explain. I was confused and perplexed. 

Nevertheless, I pushed through and prayed, and in the thick of my restlessness, the mystery of my disconcertment was revealed – my mother. As the sole caregiver of my aging mother, I begged God with all my love for my mother, not to let me go before her. 

In the midst of my distress, I was comforted by the words, “I am with you.” In my perturbing mind, I was consoled by His presence, knowing that when He was with me, nothing would be against me. Yet, a small part of me wondered if His presence meant that a bigger ordeal was coming my way. But I brushed this pointless thought aside and held onto His promise. Clinging to that promise, I attended an evening Mass and sought the Sacrament of Reconciliation after Mass. 

When I asked a priest friend to pray for me, he offered to send me to the hospital for my procedure and prayed with me before the surgery. I was grateful that God sent his angels to me. After the prayer, a sense of calmness washed over me and stayed with me throughout the procedure. 

However, a shadow of ambiguity fell over the Lunar New Year celebration. While I recovered well from the surgery, evidenced by the subsidising pain, my anxiety crept in as the next appointment approached. 

The day before my biopsy result and bandage removal, I texted a few close friends who already knew about my procedure to pray for me. Part of me questioned the purpose of the prayer when the result was already at the doctor’s office. Regardless of this errant thought, these prayer warriors were steadfast in their prayers for me. 

Again, I searched for the source of my nervousness. Anxiety comes from the lack of trust in the Lord. In such a situation, shouldn’t I cling tighter to my faith? Yes, I know. I could almost hear Jesus childing me, “man of little faith.” I was now Peter as he was walking on water and now drowning in my anxiety as I took my eyes off Jesus, focusing instead on the wind and the possible storm. (Mt 14:28-33^[1])

The unanticipated episode carried a lot of uncertainty. My mind went through various “what if” scenarios in preparation for the worst. So what if I got cancer? It happened to many women out there, too. In my prayer, I realised that my anxiety stemmed not from the possible adverse results but rather from the agony of suspense. 

In the space of darkness, there was nothing for me to grasp. There was no room to be in control, and all plans and dreams were put on hold. 

No wonder when the Israelites were wandering in the desert, they preferred to return to slavery in Egypt (Ex 16:1-3^[2]; Num 14:1-4^[3]). Because amid their suffering, knowing what would come next in the predictable and familiar environment offered a warped sense of security and assurance. The pain of captivity was strangely more bearable and triumphed over the agony of unknowing. 

Dwelling on the need to know brings out the insecurity in me. It reminds me of the temptation of the fruit of knowledge in the Garden of Eden (Gen 3:1-7^[4]). I asked myself about the momentous choice I could have made; I could have found something to distract myself – read a book, watch a drama series on Netflix, bake a cake, et cetera. Alternatively, I could sit in the discomfort of the uncertainty and ambiguity. I chose the latter because how long could I read the book or watch Netflix?  

I sat and befriended my anxiety and nervousness. My helplessness and vulnerability brought me deeper into humility before God. I turned my attention from the spineless Israelites wandering in the desert to the faithful Abraham on his journey to the unknown. I chose to be mindful of my thoughts and emotions rather than let them wander. 

A message from a friend came, “Be strong.” It simply reminded me to draw strength from God and to manage my mind. Reciting the rosary and Divine Mercy had proven helpful to ground myself in the present and, at the same time, appreciate the mystery of life. It made me feel grateful for my spiritual practices over the years. 

After a week of waiting in agony, I was thankful to God that the lump was benign. However, the case required regular close monitoring. So while the ambiguity continued, I was no longer unsettled. 

This experience took me out of my mundane life. I imagined it as immersing myself in an icy cold bath where my nerves are shocked and stimulated. I feel vulnerable yet alive. I was touched by the essence of life, a life not to be grasped but a life to live. Living in the unknown, we are all called to faith. A faith with hope, a faith in the love of God. The mystery of life is ever-present, but it is a mystery not to be solved, but rather to be embraced. 

Kelly Tan

13 Feb 2023

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^[1] Mt 14:28-33. Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.”He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat, started walking on the water, and came toward Jesus. But when he noticed the strong wind, he became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, “Lord, save me!” Jesus immediately reached out his hand and caught him, saying to him, “You of little faith, why did you doubt?” ³² When they got into the boat, the wind ceased.And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.” (NRSVCE)

^[2] Exodus 16:1-3 The whole congregation of the Israelites set out from Elim; and Israel came to the wilderness of Sin, which is between Elim and Sinai, on the fifteenth day of the second month after they had departed from the land of Egypt. The whole congregation of the Israelites complained against Moses and Aaron in the wilderness. The Israelites said to them, “If only we had died by the hand of the Lord in the land of Egypt, when we sat by the fleshpots and ate our fill of bread; for you have brought us out into this wilderness to kill this whole assembly with hunger.” (NRSVCE)

^[3] Num 14:1-4 Then all the congregation raised a loud cry, and the people wept that night. And all the Israelites complained against Moses and Aaron; the whole congregation said to them, “Would that we had died in the land of Egypt! Or would that we had died in this wilderness! Why is the Lord bringing us into this land to fall by the sword? Our wives and our little ones will become booty; would it not be better for us to go back to Egypt?” So they said to one another, “Let us choose a captain, and go back to Egypt.” (NRSVCE)

^[4] Gen 3:1-7 Now the serpent was more crafty than any other wild animal that the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God say, ‘You shall not eat from any tree in the garden’?” ² The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden, ³ but God said,  You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the middle of the garden, nor shall you touch it, or you shall die.’ ” But the serpent said to the woman, “You will not die, for God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food and that it was a delight to the eyes and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate. Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked, and they sewed fig leaves together and made loincloths for themselves. (NRSVCE)